Monday, January 31, 2005

Words I HATE

Can't tell ya why, but these I hate the damn words:

snuggle, spoon, nurture, sacred, honor, tony, natch, waft, bastion, resonance, resonate, actually, cherish, resolve, feelings, share

(seem to be terms you find either in group therapy or amateur fiction)

Phrases I loathe:

Been there, done that.
We're not communicating.
Everything happens for a reason.
Dance (as when used like: the dance of love, the dance of life, etc.)
Life is a journey.

The Happy/Mad Seesaw: A Linguistic Bedrock of Irrational Idealism

Hate is a weird thing. What does it mean to be annoyed, irked, bothered, nauseated, mad, pissed off, and generally displeased? Why do we get this way? It's really strange, if you think about, but not any stranger than being happy. (When I say strange, I mean that sometimes, when we analyze human behavior, it can feel like we are studying some other species.) I would tend to presume that something must precipitate an emotion, like anger or happiness, but often these emotions seemingly just happen upon us, as if from nowhere, or from some source inside our psyches we know not how to reach. Cognitive Therapy is helpful when it states that at the heart of irrational emotional responses lie webs of illogical thinking that is disconnected from reality, in that reality becomes distorted and we feel as though we have little control over external reality (everything 'out there' and 'not me').

That's all very rational, and it is very helpful when I analyze my anger in order to understand why the hell I get pissed off. What's really weird and also immensely insightful is to analyze your own happiness - what are the thought patterns and layers of mental rhetoric lie behind feeling good and happy? Maybe it sounds like a downer to analyze one's own happiness and joy - should we not simply 'be' in the moment and enjoy it? True, but analysis of my own happiness often reveals many of the same distorted feelings and misconceptions about reality that underlie my anger and sadnesses: acute, passionate, even desperate idealism. Idealism can fuel anger (when one's ideals don't match reality) and as well idealism can fuel happiness, when ideals and expectations are realized, no matter how realistic they are. Each side of the seesaw, either up or down, balance on the same fulcrum: irrational, unrealistic, idealistic thought patterns.

What I would like to be able to do is find the source of this idealism within me, somewhere deep down, maybe in an experience or set of experiences, maybe in the imprints upon my mind by the words and sounds and actions of my parents when I was a mere lad - deep inherited ethnic/cultural worldview embodied my own parents lives, or, could it be that the seeds of my own brand of irrational idealism lie deeper, in the very cellular, genetic substructures that make the foundation of my very physical being?

Sunday, January 23, 2005

People Get Caught in a Trap: You Can Run But You Can't Hide From the Self

A good quote from my current read, Alchemical Active Imagination, by Jung's famous student/acolyte/psychoanalyst and Latin/myth/fairy tale scholar Marie Louise Von Franz. The book is a study of a medieval alchemical text that illustrates how the early pseudoscience of alchemy was and is also as much an early psychoanalytical self analysis tool as it was a quest to turn dirt into gold.

Think of: Alice in Wonderland; The Lion, Witch, and the Wardrobe; or in heroic plays or epics, where the hero makes a decision and has to find his real powers or strenghts in order to overcome great adversity (Odysseus, Aeneas, Ceremony); or the anthithesis of this in tragedy, where the antihero fails (Richard the II, Hamlet, La Dolce Vita, Dr Faustus).

". . . if you think of an archetypal motif and of archetypal background, such as appears very often in myths and fairy tales, people get caught in a trap. They enter a castle and the door shuts behind them, and that always means that now they are in the Self. Now they have reached that point in their psyche where they can no longer run away from themselves. Now they are in for it, and the ego, which always flirts with the idea of getting away from what it ought to do, knows it is caught in the mousetrap and hirtherto has to fulfill the requirements of the Self and will not be released before that accomplishment.

"In all fairy tales and mythological patterns one is always released again, in spite of everything, but only after one has done the heroic deed. Trying to run away is no good, for you cannot escape [from the Self]."

Thursday, January 20, 2005

First Official Rejection for Our Film: "We especially liked your transitions."

Thank you for the submission of Some Kind of Freak. We feel much honored to have been able to see your film.

We truly apologize for the long wait, as we spent the last month figuring out ways to fit additional films from a short list we wanted into the program. In addition, we were caught three weeks behind schedule from the start due to the extended submission deadline.

Unfortunately, we were not able to add your film to our 2005 program. You have a wonderful film (we especially liked the transitions and ending in your film), but we reached the limit on the number of films we can effectively promote and assist. This was an especially intense year regarding the selection process, as almost 1,300 short films competed for places in the program. Hopefully, you will continue to find the festivals that will get behind you and your work with the conviction necessary for this most challenging medium of expression.

Please also understand that choices are also based on many factors including the particular perspectives of our committee as well as the mix of films that our programming team presents to our audience.

Thank you again for introducing us to Some Kind of Freak. Congratulations on your achievement, and please keep Cinequest in mind for your future work.

Best Wishes,

Halfdan Hussey Executive Director
Mike Rabehl Programming Director
Bill Maxey Short Film Programming Director

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Naikon: Humility Through Self Examinaton of Your Past

Just read a fascinating interview with a man named Gregg Krech, a Western therapist who specialized in a form of Japanese psychology called Naikan - a method of self reflection/examination on your life which requires you exhaustively scrutinize your past and recount in the greatest of detail all the things people have done for YOU, in light and contrast to what you have done for others. The purpose, I've gathered from reading the interview is to realize how much even people are may not like or are angry with have done for you - indeed, even the people you like and love. How often do we find, when we examine our problems, that much of our difficulties in life stem from however of an unconscious belief or notion that the world is against us, that we are unduly suffering more than our 'share,' that somehow us, of all people have been singled out by the fates for more punishment and suffering than we 'deserve'?

Some of this stuff might sound a little wacky: in one Japanese Naikan center had their patients recount how many diapers their parents had changed for them. Perhaps silly on the surface of things, but it is an amazing thought to realize how many times your own parents, however much you may have been angry at them when you grew up, changed your little butt, fed you and clothed you, made sure you got to school, bought you clothes, gave you a roof over your head, and so on.

At this given moment perhaps it's not easy to remember everything, but with Naikan, you sit and stare at a blank wall for a few hours and basically reconstruct and remember your entire life. The first segment is from birth to when you were nine, focusing on your mother. Then, after sitting and remembering, you tell what you remember to another person who says nothing but listens to you. Apparently, this Krech gentleman says you are surprised at how much you remember and really are able to reconstruct a great picture of your life. And the goal is that eventually you come to realize that you have receive MUCH much more than you have given, and when your life is looked at honestly with an acceptance of the truth of it all, you may achieve a great sense of humility and appreciation for all you have and have received - and move beyond the small pettiness small minded resentments that often engulf our interactions with others, causing conflict and grief.

Saturday, January 08, 2005

Adrienne Rich: Calle Visión

Back when I used to teach at SJSU, I regularly attended their Center for Literary Arts Major Author Series - you'd be surprised how many great authors they get there who come and read, speak, and answer questions. Most authors do a fairly subdued question and answer period on Friday afternoon in the University Chapel, then perform a grand Saturday night reading in a larger hall. I saw and heard a great many authors, from Czeslaw Milosz, Tobias Wolfe, Donald Hall, John Barthe, William Styron, Amy Tan, Galway Kinnell, Sharon Olds, Adrienne Rich, and many others.

I remember when Adrienne Rich came to school. She was a "required reading" canonized poet that we'd read in our poetry classes and discussed and wrote about, one of the few token women writers sprinkled into our anthologies and course syllabi. Reading her, I thought she was OK but never felt any deepness with her words. When she came to our campus to read, the English department where I taught was abuzz: a real poet, a major poet, a star in our midst, an artist is coming here, and she used to teach here!! Many faculty knew her. I didn't, but recall looking out my office window and seeing her walking with her coterie of aged profs hovering around her, all of them smiling, giddy, star struck. She was tired, weary, ill, shuffling along slowly with a cane, barely filling her baggy clothes, short hair, severe face, eyes that though tired were noticable even from afar. Her eyes burned beyond somewhere, not at me, not at the people surrounding her, not at the trees and grass around her - her vision saw somewhere else we all could not see, burning like a force of the universe to someplace or something not visible on this planet.

She spoke during the noon Q&A, and the place was packed, standing room only. She fielded a lot of questions gratiously, gracefully, seriously. For some reason the only question I could come up with was, "Do you like Walt Whitman," to which she laughed! The whole audience followed her lead and laughed too and all eyes were upon me at that moment, as if I had made some inside joke. I got red and embarassed and kept looking at her. I guess I had been reading Walt a lot during that time and saw how closely their styles jibed. She went on to say that yes, she did in fact like him, a lot, and has read him exhaustively throughout the years and feels a great debt to his influence and American letters, blah blah. She meant it, thought, and smiled and did her best to answer more than just hert standard answers she must have learned to give after being asked so many times over and over about her influence. I always hate that question - I mean how does one not be influenced by teverything, including parents, siblings, school, friends, poets, musicans, the sky, crackers and soda pop. I suppose if someone who writes poetry reads another poet a lot, they will inevitably imitate them to some extent, by needs must imiate to flush their influence out of their system and find their own unique words and voice, their own unique visión.

When I went to see and hear her the next night, the auditorium was packed again, all chatty and abuzz of her arrival. She was introduced by some prof, a long winded speechification by some wanna be super star literary man. When she walked on stage the place was still and quiet; everyone watched carefully as the tiny withered logos prophet made her way to the mic with her cane and baggy frumpled up clothes. She looked up and then down, then back at the audience. He eyes were glowing and black, looking beyond us somehow to something she only could see, and about which she was trying to explain as she read the following poem. The words "Calle Visión" still ring in my ears, still sound out with the memory of her eyes burning out somwehre beyond my small consciousness, still prod me to do something about my own visión. Even today, I still hear the chilling refrain of "Calle Visión."


from CALLE VISIÓN
by Adrienne Rich

1

Not what you thought: just a turn-off
leading downhill not up

narrow, doesn't waste itself
has a house at the far end

scrub oak and cactus in the yard
some cats some snakes

in the house there is a room
in the room there is a bed

on the bed there is a blanket
that tells of the coming of the railroad

under the blanket there are sheets
scrubbed transparent here and there

under the sheets there's a mattress
the old rough kind, with buttons and ticking

under the mattress is a frame
of rusting iron still strong

the whole bed smells of soap and rust
the window smells of old tobacco-dust and rain

this is your room
in Calle Visión

if you took the turn-off
it was for you



Friday, January 07, 2005

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Girl Comix Fix

Have been appreciating undergound comics lately. I don't know what it is about comics, maybe that I grew up loving Archie and Veronica, and Mad Magazine, and eventually came to love Crumb. But something about this sick and weird and twisted stuff speaks to my own stunted and warped sensibilities.

This gal Laura Weinstein ROCKS!

http://www.vineyland.com

I even gotta give her wacky band some credit too:

http://flamingfire.com/new/index_ie.htm

And this gal Leanne Franson, self described 'bi dyke," really does some funny stuff. Love her crude and breezy style:

http://liliane.keenspace.com/archives.html#april