Skinification - Lowering the Consumption of Desire
(Or: Wresting Impulse from Tyranny of the White Carb)


Have begun the process of signification, the intentional cutting back of calories and food and controlling caloric intake. I have learned long ago that my own modus/method in this life is one of extremes and consumption, that rarely will I or can I sustain any sort of median or moderation. No, I move in extremes in both directions, and in order to harness this energy, this impulse, this drive toward thanotos or eros, I must learn discipline, control.

I'm not fat, and in fact I run up to 50+ miles a week. Yet, my caloric intake is such that I have a layer of fat and thickness that I really don't want. I hate it, the stuffy pasty fluffiness and softeness that used to surround my bones and msucles. More than that, I know that left unchecked, I develop habits of eating, of consumption, that lead me to states on unhealth: coffee, tea, sodas, sugar, white refined carbs, and mostly, BEER.

So, taking advice I found from a very informative weight loss web site (which three years ago enabled me to lose 40lbs), I have begun the process of counting calories and limiting the amount I take in per day. I am 6'4" and can eat 3000 to 4000 calories a day without even trying. But, if I want to trim down and lose weight, I need to eat around 10-12 times my ideal weight in calories - for me, this magic number is 2200 - which would mean I get to a weight of around 220 or even less.

Let me tell you, it is not easy. Of course, one of the tricks to this is to eat more often, 6-7 smaller meals throughout the day rather than 3 meals. But, controlling the intake of food and watching how mich I eat is really difficult. No sugar. No white breads. No chips or anything processed and in a bag. No trans-fatty fats. The body desires these and craves them and to stop eating them makes the body think something has gone wrong. Your entire being feels desire and an urge to consume something. You always have this feeling os being slightly hungry, but as your mind adjusts to it, it starts to feel good, as if you are ready to pounce, to take off, staying just below the level of satiation. You might feel a little angry, mean, as you sense I your whole body this loss, this deficit of food. You are awake because there isn't a blob of food being digested in your stomach, you whole body tingles and buzzes with desire for satisfaction, yet you purposely withhold pleasure, the little rewards you might have given yourself all day throughout the day: little snacks, pretzels, chocolate, chips, any number of little foods that keep you in a constant state of food high. These are now gone, this little reward for suffering cycle with treats and you must do it alone, just you and your body and your thoughts, until the next planned eating tme of a small amount of non-sugary, non starchy foods. You break through the mental membrane that was the cocoon surrounding your being and wake up to the consciousness of the world around you.

Of course, so many people in this world actually starve and do not have the luxury of choosing not to eat - they have no choice. But in a way, I believe it a good exercise to teach yourself what it feels like to not eat, to be limited on what you can stuff into your pie hole, to feel what it is like to have your stomach slightly empty all the time. Not much good comes from being satisfied, being always in a state of pleasurable satiation. When you teach yourself to suffer, even a little bit, your mind opens up to reality. And much of the time, you find that reality is not always kind.