Dead Man Talking

I found out last weekend that I had died. Rumor had it I had bought the farm many years back in a car crash, a violent one. Once the rumor started, it quickly became fact. Word had spread. Pat Nolan: dead.

I was visiting Fullerton after Christmas, the place where I used to live in my un-guilded youth, my wilted salad days, when I was green and black in judgment. I used to play in a band and lived a fantasy punk rock star lifestyle. These were good years, and I gained a lot of experiences which I'm lucky enough to be able to recall. But this time also was a dark night of the soul, or more accurately, just the beginning of a dark night of soul, the descent into hell. So much time pursuing pleasure at the expense of dealing with the darker side of the soul only compounded my mental state of spiritual atrophy, frozen emotions, and self deception.

So on Saturday, I ran into S. Baxter (now known as simply "Baxter"), the lead singer of our band from back then, and it was a nice reunion to see him. He was very glad to see me. He and I spent a lot of time together, drug taking, womanizing, and partying. We were friends, and it was pleasant to know after all these years we still had affections for each other.

After the hugs and beers and emotions recollected in relative tranquility, he confesses that he thought I was dead. Another woman there, Haven, says the same. He had heard from an old roommate that I had died in a car crash, and because he hadn't heard from me in so long, he started to believe in the story. In the absence of physical, empirical truth, the myth fills in the gaps, the void. Pat is gone, no one hears from him, so he must be dead. Sympathetic magic.

So I had died, and Steve began telling people this news. Haven told me she actually mourned me. Pat Nolan didn't make it. I was sad to hear that. It's a weird feeling to know you were thought to be dead. I felt like a ghost, a phantasm, and even though naturally I am alive and well and living in San Jo, just knowing that many people think I checked out and was killed creeps me.

Steve tells me he will now spread the correct rumor. I am alive!!!